I've mentioned before that J's "tribe" of trusted people is pretty small. Miniscule, actually. For some reason, though, now seems like a good time to help to give J the opportunity to expand that tribe a little bit. To teach some more people to get a little closer to him. And to teach him what on earth to do with these people (or "Yakkity Yaks" as Temple Grandin calls all non-autistic people - love that!). If he wants to, of course. But I want to make sure that I give him some tools to make that choice for himself.
We've had a tough few weeks. J has been anxious, tearful and demanding. I think he's been going through a development surge and this always rocks his, and therefore, my, world somewhat. The upshot is positive, though. The upshot is that J has started drawing people into his wonderful pictures. Initially clumsy stick-men, which are totally at odds with his incredible 3-D drawings, and now they're getting more and more detailed. He has been having structured play sessions at school with 2 children from the mainstream class. People are beginning to feature more in J World. He still walks though a crowded street as if he is the only one there - anyone in his way is knocked into without him even noticing - but in less-stimulating situations, I'm sure he's taking more interest in his fellow humans.
So, Communication. Sheesh. Sounds so easy to those of us who do it so naturally. "To have a two-way conversation with shared meaning". Simples. No? Well, no, actually - easy if you understand body-language, facial expression, tone of voice and a whole stack of non-verbal signals. Easy if you understand social rules. Easy if you're not living in a world of sensory brouhaha where lights flicker and dance, sounds boom and swoosh and deafen, balance wavers and your body is in a constant state of red alert. Many people with autism are completely non-verbal for their whole lives which is entirely understandable when you take that lot into account. J, however, is verbal. When he chooses to be so. Unstoppably verbal at times - sometimes the wrong times (shouting "A Boob!" at the top of his lungs while grabbing one of mine in his brother's class assembly last week - probably seemed like a perfectly OK conversation opener to him. His brother and 239 other school kids begged to differ!!! Poor G).
For us, his parents, learning to communicate and connect with J has taken time, patience, trail, error and a whacking great dollop of understanding. We still have days when J has metaphorically locked the doors and thrown away the key to J World (on these days he - literally - makes signs saying "Shut Happens" and sticks them on his bedroom door!). Most days, however, we sing; we dance; we enunciate; we think out of the box; we talk to J indirectly though Claude (really); we act like twats (no shit!); we communicate with our son.
But how on earth do we now teach that language, that many layered..."thing we do" to others?
Osmosis is the simple answer. Just being around us for hours and hours and days and days and getting into "The Zone" with us. Not particularly practical really.
So, after about ten rewrites and a pile of screwed up scribblings on the floor around me, I've come up with a few basics. A beginner's guide, if you like, to connecting a bit with J.
That's where the TARTS come in. (ooh how I love a good acronym - is that what they're called?! Lettery thingys - you know what I mean.... . The famous Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society - still makes me LOL most unbecomingly. TARTS, however, is one of my own!)
Trust
Attention
Respect
Time
Sense of Humour
I'll try to keep this simple - God, I really am a "Yakkity Yak"!!
Trust
Earn it. Without it J will not connect or communicate with you in any way, apart from possibly pushing you out of the door!
Don't talk loudly, scruffle his hair, pinch his cheeks, or, God forbid, hug him uninvited or you will be written off as a threat. Don't demand eye contact but do be on his eye level to receive it if he feels brave enough to give it. Be predictable.
Attention
Yours and his. You'll have to work hard to gain J's attention sufficiently so that your voice doesn't sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to him, amid the sensory chaos going on inside him. Pay attention to any non verbal signals J is giving you. He may be speaking to you but from the next room in a whisper. The best way to get his attention is to mirror - without taking the piss - what he is doing. If he is humming quietly - try doing that too. If he is drawing a train - draw one too (on your own bit of paper of course). If he wiggles his head - wiggle yours.
Respect
Remember that he is in the room - however much he is trying to be invisble.
Respect what he has to go through to make the simplest connection with another human being.
Don't be embarrassed or frightened of the silences. A lot of people are.
Time
If you ask J a question it may take him 10 times longer than a "normal" child to answer. Give him that time. Just because J doesn't answer you - please don't answer your questions for him. Try rephrasing the question and waiting for a response. Visual is usually better than verbal - try writing down a sentence, drawing a picture...
Little and often is the best way to get to know J.
Timing is also important - I never ever ask J anything about his school day until he's been home for at least half an hour.
Sense of Humour
J is a cheeky little monkey and loves being a cheeky little monkey! Nothing amuses him more than someone falling off their chair! Banana skin humour works. Say the wrong word and let him correct you. (Try not to laugh obviously when he shouts "A Boob" because otherwise my poor 41-year-old appendages will never recover!)
So there it is! A very basic guide to connecting with J. It's a big ask of other humans - we're all so busy. But, once you've got J's trust and attention, you can start pushing the boundaries a bit and then the communication will come. He's a great kid. It will take time and I may be biased, but it is definitely worth the effort. And the more people who understand these basics: the more practice J will get at interacting with other people. You never know, you might even be allowed an exclusive membership to the "Tribe"!
